Starting To Look Good #humor

Starting to look good!

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini.

After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another.

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini.

The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

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Top Bar Jokes

A Panda Walks Into A Bar..



Today's posting is yet another of our popular short joke series!

The following are all "bar-related" short joke, that will make you laugh, or maybe chuckle or even shake your head..lol!

Best Short Bar Jokes

1. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.


2. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.


3. A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables.
   The bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.


4. A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
   note: "my newt" sounds like minute


5. A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts.
   Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
   “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back,
   “I’m a panda. Google me!”
   Sure enough,the bartender googles "panda":
   “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring.
   Eats, shoots and leaves.”


6. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
   The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”


7. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why, such a long face?.”


8. This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.


9. So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.


10. A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”

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Blueberry Burmese Information

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? #Joke

Looking for a laugh of two? Below, we have today's posting of the top 10m best jokes that we found online!

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Here is today' collection of the top ten favorite jokes of the day!


1. Little Brian,"The principal is so dumb!"
   Girl, "Do you know who I am?"
   Little Brian, "No..."
   Girl, "I am the principal's daughter!"
   Little Brian, "Do you know who I am?"
   Girl,"No..."
   Little Brian, "Good!" and walks away*


2. Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.



3. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
   A: The scientists were brainstorming!



4. Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
   A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!



5. On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
   Written just below it "I do not".



6. When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.
   She said "Just gimme something with diamonds."
   That's why I got her a pack of cards.


7. Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
   A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!



8. Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
   A monkey!



9. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."



10. Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
    A: Because you dribble on the floor!
    
    
    
    For More Short Jokes

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How Does A Blonde Get Pregnant? Answer In Posting #BlondeJoke

Here is today's collection of the three best, funny, short and yet dumb blonde jokes! Enjoy, maybe share your favorite short (not height wise) blonde joke in the comment section of the blog. Even share them on Facebook or Twitter!

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1. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
   A: And I thought blondes were dumb!



2. A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
   
   She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
   
   Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.
   
   The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: “Can’t you see I’m winning?”



3. A blonde called the local city council asking them to remove the deer crossing sign near her home since many deer were being hit and killed there.
   
   Her reason? She didn’t want the deer to cross there anymore!

Main phrases (keywords) that are used to find this blog are funny blonde jokes, funny jokes, dumb jokes, dumb blonde, dumb blonde jokes, short blonde jokes, short jokes and blonde joke

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Q: What do you call sad coffee?" A: Despresso. #Jokes

Here is today's top ten best short jokes, okay, some may be stupid, I guess the depends of your "pain tolerance for humor"? Did the make sense?

1. Q: What do you call sad coffee?"
   A: Despresso.


2. Q: Why are frogs so happy?
   A: They eat whatever bugs them


3. Q: How do you make an Octopus laugh?
   A: With ten-tickles


4. Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
   A. Milk and quackers!


5. Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
   Man, that hit the "spot."


6. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
   A: A bulldozer!


7. Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
   A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!


8. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
   A: Frostbite.


9. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
   A: Sunday, of course!


10. Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
    A: Spring time.

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Diabetic Meme

I hope you enjoy the following diabetes related meme. In no way, I am trying to make fun of a serious medical condition.


Image via TheDiabetesHeroes.com

A doctor was asked on Twitter, what was one of the funniest memories he had about a patient. Below, was his response



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10 Best Short Jokes 1

Here is today's collection of top ten short jokes

1. Little Brian, "Should I get into trouble for something I didn't do"?
   Teacher, "No."
   Little Brian, "Good, because I didn't do my homework."


2. Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
   A: a yardvark!


3. Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
   A: Swimming trunks.


4. Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
   A: A Gummy Bear


5. Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
   A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his seeing eye dog.


6. Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
   A: LMAYO


7. Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
   A: "With a bee bee gun."


8. Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
   A: Clean Jokes!


9. Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
   A: "Where’s Popcorn?"


10. Q: What do you call sad coffee?"
    A: Despresso.

Little Brian Getting Into Trouble

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Funny Frog Jokes

A Frog And A Cowboy

Sometimes frogs can be funny. Here is a collection of my favorite frog jokes

1.   A cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was fixing fences out on the range.
   
     Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
   
     He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
   
   "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover."


2. What do stylish frogs wear? Jumpsuits!




3. Why are frogs so happy?
   They eat whatever bugs them!


4. What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
   Lilly.


5. Whats a frogs favorite game?
   It's croak-et!


6. What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
   A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!


7. What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?
   A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.


8. How do frogs die?
   They kermit suicide!


9. What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
   Open toad!


10. What's a frogs favorite flower?
    A croakus!


11. How do you make frog legs?
    In a croak pot.


12. Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle.


13. What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A croakadile.


14. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.


15. What do you call a rich frog?
    A golf blooded amphibian!


16. What do toads drink?
    Croaka-cola!


17. What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
    A hoppercraft!


18. Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
    He was afraid of getting toad!


19. What do frogs drink?
    Hot croako!


20. What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts!


21. What kind of shoes to frogs like?
    Open toad sandals!


22. Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
    Because he was newt to the area!


23. Where do frogs keep their treasure?
    In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!


24. Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
    A hot frog!


25. What is a frogs favorite time?
    Leap Year!


26. What did the bus driver say to the frog?
    Hop on!


27. What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
    Unhoppy!


28. WWhat goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
    Morse toad!


29. Whats the world weakest animal?
    A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!


30. What kind of pole is short and floppy?
    A tadpole!


31. What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
    A bunny ribbit.


32. What happens when two frogs collide?
    They get tongue tied!


33. What do drunk toads play?
    Hop-scotch


34. What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog? A jumprope!


35. Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?
    He had his own frog horn!


36. Where do you get frogs eggs?
    At the spawn shop!


37. What does a frog say when it sees something great?
    Toadly awesome!


38. How does a frog win a gold medal?
    In the long jump.


39. What's a toads favorite candy? Lollihops!


40. What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel!


41. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?
    They sit eggsaminations!


42. What is a frogs favorite time?
    Leap Year!


43. What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
    Lily!


44. What do you call a talking frog?
    A quantum leap.

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Today's Best Short Jokes 12

Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? Well, that just one of ten of the today's picks of the best short jokes.
There even a few "Little Brian" jokes listed that I feel will give you a good laugh and you might share with your friends.
Feel free to add your favorite short joke (in the comment section).

1. Q: What can you serve but never eat?
   A: A volleyball.


2. Little Brian calls 911, "Hello? I need your help!"
   911: "Alright, What is the problem?"
   Little Brian: "Two girls are fighting over me!"
   911: "So what's your emergency?"
   Little Brian: "The ugly one is winning."


3. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
   No one in the class stands up
   Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students here!"
   Little Brian stands up
   Teacher: "Oh, Brian you think you're stupid?"
   Little Brian: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."


4. Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
   A: Post Office!


5. Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
   A: Lettuce get together!


6. Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
   A: Ton. (but "not" backwards)


7. Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
   A: Because his parents were in a jam!


8. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.


9. Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
   A: It's the one rated Arrrr!


10. Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
    A: Your dyslexic

Girls fighting over me

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Best Short Jokes 11

Looking for a laugh or two? Well, then here is my collection of ten of the today's best short jokes. Don't be shy to share your favorite short joke in the comment section

1. Q: What's Forrest Gump’s password?
   A: 1forrest1


2. In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples,"Only take one. God is watching."
   Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


3. Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
   A: "You can't tuna fish."


4. Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
   A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!


5. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
   A: Spoiled milk.


6. A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."


7. Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
   A: He held up a pair of pants.


8. Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
   A: Made a website!


9. Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
   A: A four chin teller.


10. Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
    Never mind. I don't want to spread it around

Short Joke

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Best Short Jokes 9

1. A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."


2. I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.


3. Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
   A: Take me to your weeder.


4. Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
   A: It's sweeping the nation!


5. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
   Brunette: "I don’t know."
   Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
   



Short Blonde Joke

6. A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
   The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."


7. Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
   A: Never mind, it's over your head!


8. Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
   USB


9. Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
   A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.


10. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it.
    A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
    The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
    The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
    The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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Best Short Jokes 7

Library Joke

Welcome to today's best short jokes collection.

. Do you know difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Do you know what kind of bow that can't be tied?
Well, the shocking answers are posted below.

1. It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!


2. Q: What building is the largest?
   A: The library because it has the most stories.


3. Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
   A. Ground beef.


4. Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
   A: Because it was rated arrrrr


5. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
   A: Right where you left him.


6. Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
   A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.


7. Q: Why did Little Brian throw the clock out of the window?
   A: Because he wanted to see time fly!


8. Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
   A: A stamp.


9. Q: What bow can't be tied?
   A: A rainbow!


10. Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

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Today's Best Puns 13

Here are my favorite puns of the day.

1. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.


2. The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.


3. How do you organize a space party? You Planet.


4. It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


5. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

Best Puns

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Today's Best Short Jokes 5

Cross Eyed Teacher
Here is today's selection for the top 10 best short jokes! Hope you enjoy them and get a laugh!

1. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
   
   The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
   
   She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
   
   The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
   
   Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"


2. Q: What did the man say to the wall?
   A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!


3. Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
   A: I think I'm coming down with something!


4. Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
   A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered


5. Q: Why did the blonde bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
   A: She got ready for a make-up exam!


6. Q: How do spiders communicate?
   A: Through the World Wide Web.


7. Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver


8. Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
   A: Because then it would be a foot!


9. Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
   A: Cause they arrrrr.


10. Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
    A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?

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Today's Best Short Jokes 4

Here is today's collection of the ten best short jokes! Hope you have a laugh or two or three

Work Joke
1. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
   To get to the second hand store.


2. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


3. Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
   A: Because it was not peeling well


4. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
   A: Flood lights!


5. Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
   The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
   The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
   


6. Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
   A: The alpha bet


7. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
   A. A nervous wreck.


8. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
   A. Ugly sheep.


9. If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?


10. You should always give 100% at work
    12% Monday
    23% Tuesday
    40% Wednesday
    20% Thursday
    5% Friday

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Today's Ten Best Short Jokes 2

Short Joke and Long Joke

1. Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
   A: It went back four seconds.


2. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


3. Q: What do sea monsters eat?
   A: Fish and ships


4. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


5. Q: How do you make holy water?
   A: Boil the hell out of it!


6. Q: How do you organize a space party?
   A: You planet!


7. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"


8. Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
   Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee.


9. Hotel Manager: The room is $15.00 a night. But if you make your own bed, it is only $5.00.
   Guest: I'll make my own bed.
   Hotel Manager: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.


10. Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
    Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

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Today's 10 Short Jokes

Ever have one of those days, when you need a laugh or two? Well, I am having one of those days. So in order to cheer myself up, (laughter always did the trick for me) and one of the main advantages of having your own blog, you can do a posting especially one like today's and later on when you are feeling down, you can always go back and reread a humorous posting that you did previously!
So on that note, here are my picks for the ten best short jokes of the day!

1. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.


2. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."


3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


4. "When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot. That way people will visit more often."


5. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
   A: An Investigator


6. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


7. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"


8. Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
   A: A taxi driver.


9. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."


10. A blonde walks into a doctor's office with both her ears burnt!
    
    The doctor asked, "What happened?"
    
    She says, "Well, when I was ironing my worksuit, then the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
    
    "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other one?"
    
    "Bastard, called again!" was the blondes answer.

Blonde Joke



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Best Short Jokes 9

1. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
   They’re making headlines everywhere!


2. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.


3. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
   Because he was too far out man!


4. Last night, I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!


5. What do you call a big pile of kittens?
   A meowntain.

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Best Short Jokes 3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8

What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

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Best Short Jokes 7

You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

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How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it

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Best Short Jokes 6

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

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Best Short Jokes 1, #2, #3, #4, #5


Dentist Joke

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