Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? #Joke

Looking for a laugh of two? Below, we have today's posting of the top 10m best jokes that we found online!

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Here is today' collection of the top ten favorite jokes of the day!


1. Little Brian,"The principal is so dumb!"
   Girl, "Do you know who I am?"
   Little Brian, "No..."
   Girl, "I am the principal's daughter!"
   Little Brian, "Do you know who I am?"
   Girl,"No..."
   Little Brian, "Good!" and walks away*


2. Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.



3. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
   A: The scientists were brainstorming!



4. Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
   A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!



5. On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
   Written just below it "I do not".



6. When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.
   She said "Just gimme something with diamonds."
   That's why I got her a pack of cards.


7. Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
   A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!



8. Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
   A monkey!



9. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."



10. Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
    A: Because you dribble on the floor!
    
    
    
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Diabetic Meme

I hope you enjoy the following diabetes related meme. In no way, I am trying to make fun of a serious medical condition.


Image via TheDiabetesHeroes.com

A doctor was asked on Twitter, what was one of the funniest memories he had about a patient. Below, was his response



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Best Short Jokes 7

Library Joke

Welcome to today's best short jokes collection.

. Do you know difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Do you know what kind of bow that can't be tied?
Well, the shocking answers are posted below.

1. It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!


2. Q: What building is the largest?
   A: The library because it has the most stories.


3. Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
   A. Ground beef.


4. Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
   A: Because it was rated arrrrr


5. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
   A: Right where you left him.


6. Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
   A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.


7. Q: Why did Little Brian throw the clock out of the window?
   A: Because he wanted to see time fly!


8. Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
   A: A stamp.


9. Q: What bow can't be tied?
   A: A rainbow!


10. Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

G13 Educational Informational

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Today's Best Short Jokes 4

Here is today's collection of the ten best short jokes! Hope you have a laugh or two or three

Work Joke
1. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
   To get to the second hand store.


2. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


3. Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
   A: Because it was not peeling well


4. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
   A: Flood lights!


5. Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
   The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
   The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
   


6. Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
   A: The alpha bet


7. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
   A. A nervous wreck.


8. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
   A. Ugly sheep.


9. If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?


10. You should always give 100% at work
    12% Monday
    23% Tuesday
    40% Wednesday
    20% Thursday
    5% Friday

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Best Short Jokes 9

1. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
   They’re making headlines everywhere!


2. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.


3. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
   Because he was too far out man!


4. Last night, I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!


5. What do you call a big pile of kittens?
   A meowntain.

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For More Pinterest Best Short Jokes
Best Short Jokes 3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8

What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

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Best Short Jokes 5

Betchat didn't know that Pampered cows produce spoiled milk?
That spoiled milk just is just one of the top five best short jokes that you will find in today's posting. Below you will find them, and I hope that you enjoy the following five best short jokes.

Best Short Jokes

1. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.


2. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.


3. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.


4. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.


5. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

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Best Short Jokes
Best Short Jokes 1
Best Short Jokes 2
Best Short Jokes 3
Best Short Jokes 4


Pampered cows produce spoiled milk

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Best Short Jokes 2

Are you having a bad day, or even a bad hour?
Maybe you need a laugh or two?
Well, you came to the right posting because below you will find five of funniest short jokes that I came across today!
Hope, you enjoy them.

1. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


2. How did the hipster burn his tongue?
   He drank his coffee before it was cool.


3. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”


4. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.


5. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
   Then it hit me.



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Italian Chef

Just wanted to share a little humor about the Italian Chef that died! This was joke wasn't posted to offend anyone! Just a little word humor to maybe make you laugh (helps if you say the joke out loud)!



Did you hear about the Italian Chef Who Died?

1. He pasta away.
2. You never sausage a tragic thing!
3. His wife really upset. Cheese not over it yet!
4. Sending olive my prayers to the family.
5. How sad that he ran out of thyme.
6. Here today, gone tomato
7. his legacy will be part of pizza history
8. We cannoli do so much

Italian Chef Joke

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Today's Favorite Puns

Here are a few of my favorite puns!

1. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.


2. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.


3. Which USA president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.


4. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


5. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

More postings with puns, for your enjoyment!

1. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.


2. I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.


3. When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.


4. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

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Today's Best Puns - 6

Do you find "puns" funny? Do you think that puns are a great play on words?
I have collected (see source) for some of the best and funniest puns online!
Check out the favorite 5 best puns of the day! Oh, yeah, feel free to add your favorite pun in the comment section!

1. I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.


2. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.


3. The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.


4. Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?


5. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

br />
Funny Puns 6


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Today's Best Puns - 5

Do you find "puns" funny? Do you think that puns are a great play on words?
I have collected (see source) for some of the best and funniest puns online!
Check out the favorite 5 best puns of the day! Oh, yeah, feel free to add your favorite pun in the comment section!

1. I used to be a banker but I lost interest.


2. Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.


3. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.


4. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.


5. You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

Today's Best Five Puns


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Would You Mind

Would You Mind If I Played A Little Guitar For You?

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The opposite of PROgress is Con...is my saying for today (August 20th)!

Quote of the day: "Well, If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" by James Thurber

Word of the day: geck - noun: a contemptible person

August 20th is the 232th day of the year (233rd in a leap year) and there are 133 days left until the end of the year.

August 20th Worldwide holidays and observances:

St.Stephen's day (Hungary)

If today is your Birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

If you would like your birthday or a family member, or even a friends included in my "Birthday List", just leave a comment with all the pertinent information like Name, nickname, occupation and date of birth!

Some other, Famous People who were born on August 20th!

1517, French church leader, Antoine Perrenot de Granvelle (d. 1586)

1561, Italian composer, Jacopo Peri (d. 1633)

1625, French dramatist, Thomas Corneille (d. 1709)

1632, French Jesuit preacher, Louis Bourdaloue (d. 1704)

1710, British mathematician, Thomas Simpson (d. 1761)

1719, French soldier and diplomat, marquis de Ruffec, Charles-François de Broglie (d. 1791)

1719, Czech astronomer, Christian Mayer (d. 1783)

1778, South American revolutionary, Bernardo O'Higgins (d. 1842)

1779, Swedish chemist, Jöns Jakob Berzelius (d. 1848)

1833, 23rd President of the United States, Benjamin Harrison (d. 1901)

1845, Polish Catholic Saint, St. Albert Chmielowski (d. 1916)

1847, England cricketer, Andrew Greenwood (d. 1889)

1847, Polish writer, Boleslaw Prus (d. 1912)

1856, Sorbian writer, Jakub Bart-Cišinski (d. 1909)

1860, French statesman, Raymond Poincaré (d. 1934)

1865, South African cricketer, Bernard Tancred (d. 1911)

1868, American tennis player, Ellen Roosevelt (d. 1954)

1873, Finnish architect, Gottlieb Eliel Saarinen (d. 1950)

1881, English poet, Edgar Guest (d. 1959)

1886, German-American theologian, Paul Tillich (d. 1965)

1890, American writer, H. P. Lovecraft (d. 1937)

1897, Norwegian writer, Tarjei Vesaas (d. 1970)

1898, Swedish author and historian, Vilhelm Moberg (d. 1973)

1901, Italian writer, Nobel Prize laureate, Salvatore Quasimodo (d. 1968)

1905, German-born author, linguist, and poet, Jean Gebser (d. 1973)

1905, American musician, Jack Teagarden (d. 1964)

1907, Original voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed (d. 1977)

1908, American baseball player and manager, Al Lopez (d. 2005)

1909, New Zealand cricketer, Alby Roberts (d. 1978)

1910, Finnish architect, Eero Saarinen (d. 1961)

1913, American neurobiologist, recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, Roger Wolcott Sperry (d. 1994)

1916, Estonian–German chess player, Paul Felix Schmidt (d. 1984)

1918, American novelist, Jacqueline Susann (d. 1974)

1921, Australian cricketer, Jack Wilson (d. 1985)

1923, US country music singer, Jim Reeves (d.1964)

1924, American baseball player, George Zuverink

1926, American and Canadian football player and coach, Nobby Wirkowski

1927, English video blogger, Geriatric1927

1927, English actress, Yootha Joyce (d. 1980)

1929, Gaelic footballer, Kevin Heffernan

1930, Canadian conductor, Mario Bernardi

1931, American boxing promoter, Don King

1932, British actor, Anthony Ainley (d. 2004)

1932, Russian novelist, Vasily Aksyonov (d. 2009)

1932, South African cricketer, Atholl McKinnon (d. 1983)

1933, Former United States Senator, George J. Mitchell

1934, Finnish beauty queen, Armi Kuusela

1935, US Congressman, 1988 and 2008 presidential candidate, Ron Paul

1936, Japanese chemist, Nobel Prize laureate, Hideki Shirakawa

1937, English comedian, Jim Bowen

1937, Spanish singer and actor, El Fary (d. 2007)

1937, Russian film director, Andrei Konchalovsky

1938, French politician, Alain Vivien

1939, Filipino actor and politician, Fernando Poe Jr. (d. 2004)

1940, American politician, Rubén Hinojosa

1940, Australian cricketer, Rex Sellers

1941, British musician, Dave Brock

1941, American football coach, Rich Brooks

1941, President of Serbia and of Yugoslavia, Slobodan Miloševic (d. 2006)

1941, British journalist, Robin Oakley

1941, Mexican motor racing team manager and author, Jo Ramirez

1942, American singer, songwriter and actor, Isaac Hayes (d. 2008)

1942, American baseball player, Fred Norman

1943, Scottish actor, Sylvester McCoy

1944, Prime Minister of India, Rajiv Gandhi (d. 1991)

1944, American baseball player, Graig Nettles

1946, American journalist, Connie Chung

1946, German musician, Ralf Hütter

1946, Indian businessman, N.R. Narayana Murthy

1947, English conceptual artist, Alan Lee

1948, Australian actor, John Noble

1948, British Musician, Robert Plant

1949, Greek composer and singer, Nikolas Asimos (d. 1988)

1949, South African cricketer, Norman Featherstone

1949, English TV presenter, Alan Hardwick

1949, Irish musician, Phil Lynott (d. 1986)

1951, American author, Greg Bear

1952, English cricketer, John Emburey

1952, American musician, Doug Fieger (d. 2010)

1952, American musician, John Hiatt

1953, American wheelchair Olympian, Gerry Bertier (d. 1981)

1954, American basketball player and coach, Quinn Buckner

1954, American disc jockey, Tawn Mastrey (d. 2007)

1954, American television personality, Al Roker

1954, American actor, Don Stark

1955, Hong Kong singer and writer, Agnes Chan

1956, American actress, Joan Allen

1956, West Indian cricketer, Alvin Greenidge

1957, Scottish rugby player, Finlay Calder

1958, Canadian film director and screenwriter, Patricia Rozema

1958, American journalist, John Stehr

1961, Australian author, Greg Egan

1961, English comedian, Joe Pasquale

1962, English actress, Sophie Aldred

1962, American actor, James Marsters

1962, South Korean tennis player, Dong-Wook Song

1965, American rapper, KRS-One

1966, American guitarist, Dimebag Darrell (d. 2004)

1967, American baseball player, Andy Benes

1967, American actor, Colin Cunningham

1967, American yogini and professional wrestler, Terri Poch

1968, Swedish footballer, Klas Ingesson

1968, Japanese voice actress and singer, Yuri Shiratori

1969, American professional wrestler, Duke Droese

1970, Belgian tennis player, Els Callens

1970, American computer game programmer, John D. Carmack

1970, American singer, Fred Durst

1971, Vietnamese/American actor, Jonathan Ke Quan

1971, English footballer, Steve Stone

1971, British comedian, David Walliams

1972, American actor, Chaney Kley (d. 2007)

1973, American baseball player, Todd Helton

1974, American actress, Amy Adams

1974, American rapper, Big Moe (d. 2007)

1974, Hungarian footballer, Szabolcs Sáfár

1974, Australian musician, Andy Strachan

1974, Russian violinist, Maxim Vengerov

1974, American actor and producer, Misha Collins

1975, American author, Marcus Mastin

1976, American hockey player, Chris Drury

1977, Argentine rugby player, Felipe Contepomi

1977, Argentine rugby player, Manuel Contepomi

1977, Icelandic footballer, Ivar Ingimarsson

1977, Cuban model and actress, Mayra Veronica

1977, England cricketer, James Ormond

1977, English footballer, Wayne Brown

1979, British musician, Jamie Cullum

1979, American baseball player, Cory Sullivan

1979, South Korean entertainer, Haha

1980, American actor, Corey Carrier

1980, British actress, Rochelle Gadd

1980, French cyclist, Samuel Dumoulin

1981, English actor, Ben Barnes

1981, French footballer, Bernard Mendy

1982, Brazilian footballer, Cléber Luis Alberti

1982, Ethiopian footballer, Youssouf Hersi

1982, Australian footballer, Joshua Kennedy

1982, Zimbabwean cricketer, Barney Rogers

1983, American football player, Brian Schaefering

1984, Japanese actor, Mirai Moriyama

1986, Canadian actor, Robert Clark

1987, Romanian gymnast, Catalina Ponor

1988, American basketball player, Jerryd Bayless

1990, Zimbabwean cricketer, Barney Rogers

1990, Dutch swimmer, Ranomi Kromowidjojo

1991, Serbian tennis player, Marko Ðokovic

1991, English footballer, Luke O'Neill

1992, American actress and singer, Demi Lovato

1992, Croatian footballer, Matej Delac

1995, American actress, Liana Liberato

Famous People who died on August 20th!

535, Disciple of St. Patrick, Mochta of Louth

917, Byzantine Admiral, Constantine Lips

984, Pope John XIV

1384, Dutch founder of the Brethren of the Common Life, Geert Groote (b. 1340)

1572, Spanish conquistador, Miguel López de Legazpi (b. 1502)

1580, Portuguese historian, Jeronymo Osorio (b. 1506)

1611, Spanish composer, Tomás Luis de Victoria (b. 1548)

1639, German poet, Martin Opitz von Boberfeld (b. 1597)

1643, English Puritan preacher, Anne Hutchinson (b. 1591)

1648, 1st Baron Herbert of Cherbury, English diplomat, poet, and philosopher, Edward Herbert (b. 1583)

1672, Dutch politician, Johan de Witt (b. 1625)

1672, Dutch politician, Cornelis de Witt (b. 1623)

1680, English informer, William Bedloe (b. 1650)

1701, English playwright, Charles Sedley (b. 1639)

1707, French organist and composer, Nicolas Gigault (b. 1627)

1731, Spanish historian, Enrique Florez (b. 1701)

1811, French explorer, Louis Antoine de Bougainville (b. 1729)

1823, Pope Pius VII (b. 1740)

1825, 1st Baron Radstock, Governor of Newfoundland, William Waldegrave (b. 1753)

1854, Japanese sumo wrestler, the 8th Yokozuna, Shiranui Dakuemon (b. 1801)

1887, French poet, Jules Laforgue (b. 1860)

1904, French statesman, René Waldeck-Rousseau (b. 1846)

1912, English founder of the Salvation Army, William Booth (b. 1829)

1914, Pope Pius X (b. 1835)

1915, German scientist, Nobel laureate, Paul Ehrlich (b. 1854)

1917, German chemist, Nobel laureate , Adolf von Baeyer (b. 1835)

1919, England cricketer, Greg MacGregor (b. 1869)

1930, Australian cricketer, Charles Bannerman (b. 1851)

1959, American Admiral, William Halsey, Jr (b. 1882)

1961, American physicist, Nobel laureate, Percy Williams Bridgman (b. 1882)

1963, Dutch astronomer, Joan Voûte (b. 1879)

1965, American activist, Jonathan Myrick Daniels (b. 1939)

1971, Pakistani Air Force pilot, Rashid Minhas (b. 1951)

1980, American singer, Joe Dassin (b. 1938)

1982, Swedish actress, Ulla Jacobsson (b. 1929)

1986, Canadian poet, Milton Acorn (b. 1923)

1989, India-born English game warden and lion expert, George Adamson (b. 1906)

1993, Dutch philosopher, Bernard Delfgaauw (b. 1912)

1996, German rock musician and singer, Rio Reiser (b. 1950)

1997, American physicist, Norris Bradbury (b. 1909)

1997, French-Canadian political scientist, Léon Dion (b. 1922)

1998, Danish singer, Raquel Rastenni (b. 1915)

2001, English astronomer and science fiction writer, Sir Fred Hoyle (b. 1915)

2001, American actress, Kim Stanley (b. 1925)

2005, American football player, Thomas Herrion (b. 1981)

2005, Polish drummer, Krzysztof Raczkowski (b. 1970)

2006, French-Canadian singer, comedian and actor, Claude Blanchard (b. 1932)

2006, American photographer, Joe Rosenthal (b. 1911)

2006, British soldier, Cpl Bryan Budd VC (b. 1977)

2007, American hotel operator and real estate investor, Leona Helmsley (b. 1920)

2007, American martial artist, bodyguard, trainer, student of Bruce Lee and Dan Inosanto, Larry Hartsell (b. 1942)

2008, Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, Hua Guofeng (b. 1921)

2008, American politician, Stephanie Tubbs Jones (b. 1949)

2008, American football player and union leader, Gene Upshaw (b. 1945)

2008, Former U.S. Army helicopter pilot and Medal of Honor recipient, Ed "Too Tall" Freeman(b. 1927)

2009, American keyboard player and bassist, Larry Knechtel (b. 1940)

Today's Joke - Let Go For A Beer!

Just thought I share a joke or two that I heard or came across recently! Hope you find them funny!~~Today's Joke ~~
Three elderly gentleman are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

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Let's Go For A Beer

Today's Joke - Rose

Just thought I share a joke or two that I heard or came across recently! Hope you find them funny!~~Today's Joke ~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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updated by BrianMc!