Namepros.com Humor Do you need to more spice to your facebook statue? Well, then you came to the right posting, you will find my best collection of facebook status messages for love, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, funny fb status, cool, sweet fb text Hilarious Facebook Status. Enjoy and feel free to copy and paste them! Hey these are great quotes to use on Twitter.com
There are some people in my life that just makes me laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger and live a little bit better. You know who you are! BrianMc
What’s common between air & a student? Both turn the pages without reading them!
Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up.. That’s called hope.
Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?” Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”
Appreciate your parents. You never know what sacrifices they went through for you.
Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
Ever looked at your EX and wondered “Was I drunk the entire relationship”.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
If ugliness was a crime, you would be serving 3 life sentences.
"If I let you be you, will you let me be me?" BrianMc
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she would kill me!
Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
Life is so ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”
Sometimes life is too hard to be alone and sometimes its too good to be alone.
Dear friend #317, maybe you should slip into something more comfortable….. like a Coma :D
I love you so much that it hurts not having you by my side with each passing day. I miss you, I need you, I want you.
A 3 a.m phone call “Were you asleep?” “No, I was skydiving!!!”
They Say ” Love Is In The Air ” …. I Say My Share Of Love Is Lost In Pollution :P
I may not be the best but I’m definitely not like the rest.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
No matter how many gorgeous faces you set your eyes upon, if you already set your heart for someone, you will hardly notice anyone.
I wants all my FB friends to know I loves them all…….except #669.. YOU sir, are an a**!
Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out.
I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition!
I don’t have ugly hand writing, I have my own font.
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather!
One day, I showed up late for work. The boss yelled “You should have been here at 8:30!” I replied: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02″ That should keep my weird neighbors on their toes for a while!
Before you assume, learn. Before you hurt, feel. Before you judge, understand. Before you say, THINK.
Dear Students, I know when you’re texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles every five minutes. Sincerely, Teacher.
Have faith. When GOD gives you a dream, he will give you the opportunities to achieve it.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast? Just follow these simple instructions! 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy!
What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
People are always going to judge you, but their opinions should never influence how you feel about yourself.
Sticks & stones may break my bones, BUT chains & whips excite me!
In any relationship, when attachment dies, formalities are born and when formalities born then nothing remains.
A priest asks Johnny if he’s scared of Satan. Little Johnny says “I have nothing to be scared of you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday……”
In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will teach you, and some will use you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
To all my family and friends, I just wanted to tell you that I love you, because yesterday is gone, today’s almost over and tomorrow isn’t promised.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask..!!
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: “Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”
I think firetrucks & ambulances would be more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song “Move Bitch” by Ludacris :P
It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. I mean you’re here aren’t you?
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
If you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him
If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life!
Dear Face, Nice to meet you! Sincerely, Palm.
A cop pulled me over today and said: “papers”, so I said: “scissors, I win!”
When I look back on my life, I see pain, mistakes and heartache. When I look in the mirror, I see strength, learned lessons, and pride in myself.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way.
I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey :P
When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach? :)
Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building, your brain tells you it is not a good idea, but your heart tells you, you can fly.
If you blink your eyes really fast, it looks like there are strobe lights in the room. I have been having random parties throughout the day!
I am wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course, I like my own comments. I’m awesome :p
The worst battle you have to fight is between what you know and what you feel.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!
Facebook should change the “Friends” section to “Friends & People I’ve Only Made Eye Contact With”.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”!
Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight :)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal!
More to come...stay tuned
Short Jokes To Add To Your Facebook Timeline
Here are a few short jokes to add to your Twitter updates or your Facebook status!
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work Can fat people go skinny dippingWant to look thinner? Hang out with fat people. What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
What if there were no hypothetical situationsWhy did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years
A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!
What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be
The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor
You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would
What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them
What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills
A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way
Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it’ll kill them
Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry
Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff
Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!
Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men
Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!
What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!
What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!
Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night!
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
What's the difference between a 16'' pizza and a musician? -- A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.
What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated? -- He works it out with a pencil
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.
Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.
What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? -- Don't ask her out again.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.
I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it
Q. What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper
Why can’t an idiot dial 911? -- He can’t find the 11 on the phone
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear
Granddad, what's the best thing about being 100? -- No peer pressure
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too"
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? A. I just love baskin’ robins
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
What happens when you get scared half to death twice
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works
What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh
If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? -- Damn
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time
What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um
Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look? A: Duh
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer
What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone
What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!
Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it
I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck
Fat people are harder to kidnap
Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more
Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.
Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex? A:Depends, if I can find the phone!
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children
Make crime pay, become a lawyer
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict
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Still more quotes for facebook!
It takes a moment to tell someone you love them, but it takes a lifetime to prove it.
Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Mark Twain
Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone
Life without you is like a broken pencil, pointless
Look into my eyes and you'll find me. Look into my heart and you'll find, you
I am thankful for all of those who said NO to me. Its because of them I’m doing it myself. - Albert Einstein
If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart because hearts can break but circles go on forever
You deserve the world, and I know I can't give that to you. So I'll give you the next best thing; my world
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. - Grace Hopper
The best and most beautiful things in the world can't be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart
Love is one of the hardest words to say and one of the easiest to hear
Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've done in my life
Loving you is like breathing; How can I stop?
Faith makes all things possible. Hope makes all things work. Love makes all things beautiful
The spaces between your fingers are meant to be filled with mine
Love is like the wind you can see it but you can't feel it
Be the change that you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi
I love that you make me smile even when you're not around
If someone was to write a story about my life, the climax would be when I met you
When you love someone, it's something. When someone loves you, it's another thing. When you love the person who loves you back, it's everything
Love is two hearts beating as one
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. - Oscar Wilde
You can close your eyes when you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart when you don't want to feel
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. - Alan Kay
You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without
If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were
Love is like an earthquake-unpredictable, a little scary, but when the hard part is over you realize how lucky you truly are
If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. - Truman Capote
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does
The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. - Steve Jobs
Love like you've never been hurt
Try not to become a man of success but a man of value. - Albert Einstein
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return
Every morning I wake up happy because I know I'll see you
A life without love, is like a year without summer
Every artist was first an amateur. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. - Seneca
When I am with you, the only place I want to be is closer
To fall in love is awfully simple; to fall out of love is simply awful
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Henry Stanley Haskins
It is never too late to be what you might have been. - George Eliot
All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney
If you would create something, you must be something. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I stare at your lips and fall in love with the way they form what you say.
True love stories never have endings. - Richard Bach
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. - Roy Croft
Love is friendship set on fire. - Jeremy Taylor
I may not be your first, but to be your last would be perfect.
I know you are only gone for a little while, but it feels like an eternity.
When love is not madness it is not love. - Pedro Calderón de la Barca
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Tennyson
Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with.
Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.
Loved you once, love you still, always have, always will.
If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way. - Napoleon Hill
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. - Milton Berle
An obstacle is often a stepping stone. - Prescott
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. - Lao Tzu
That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche
If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts. - Albert Einstein
Believe you can and you're halfway there - Theodore Roosevelt
I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me. - Dudley Field Malone
The reason adults should look as though they are having fun, is to give kids a reason to want to grow up. - Patch Adams
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - George Carlin
Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, What’s in it for me? - Brian Tracy
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Gandhi
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. - Earl Wilson
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. - Samuel Johnson
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. - Aristotle
At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. - Plato
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr. Seuss
My love for you is like this ring; it has no beginning and no end.
A hundred hearts would be too few To carry all my love for you.
Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within the reach of every hand. - Mother Theresa
Love is like an antique vase, hard to find but easy to break.
Tis better to have loved and lost; Than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Lord Tennyson
I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them. - Mae West
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.
Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love it is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Kissing is like drinking salted water, one taste and your thirst increases.
Don't fall in love with someone you can live with, fall in love with someone you can't live without.
There are only two times that I want to be with you... Now and Forever.
I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day that I find it is the day I'll stop loving you.
I love being loved by you.
Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others. - Robert Louis Stevenson
They say a picture tells 1,000 words but when I look at yours all I see is 3, I Love You
I wish dreams were like wishes, and wishes came true, cause in my dreams I'm always with you.
I'd rather fight with you, than kiss someone else.
If the world is my oyster then you're my pearl.
I sent an angel to look over you at night. The angel came back a minute later and it told me, angels don't watch other angels.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I would use my last breath to say, I love you.
When I look in the mirror all I can see is your love.
I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid no one could love you as I do.
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Last updated July 9th 2013 We will be updating are Facebook and Twitter quotes daily, so keep checking back to ensure you keep up with the latest crazy and popular quotes.
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